DEA Agent Warns MMJ Panel of Stoner Rabbits

DEA Agent Warns MMJ Panel of Stoner Rabbits

A Utah State panel heard testimony last week regarding a proposed bill that would allow patients with debilitating conditions to use edible forms of marijuana as treatment. Many points were made, but what stole the show were arguments from (dun-du-nu-NUUUN!) DEA Special Agent Matt Fairbanks. (You can trust him. He knows science.)

“I deal in facts,” Fairbanks opened, addressing the panel in a sober, grave tone. “I deal in science.”


Fairbanks is a member of Utah’s “marijuana eradication team” and has spent the past decade seeking out and eliminating backcountry grows in the Utah mountains. (You may recognize the phrase “marijuana eradication team” from headlines a few months ago when Fairbanks’s Georgia counterparts raided a retired man’s garden and confiscated several flourishing okra plants.)

“Personally, I have seen entire mountainsides subjected to pesticides, harmful chemicals, deforestation, and erosion,” Fairbanks said. “The ramifications to the flora, the animal life, the contaminated water, are still unknown.”

Here, Fairbanks describes all necessary elements of farming. If these backcountry growers somehow got it into their heads to grow, say, wheat, the environmental effect would be the same. If this is one of Agent Fairbanks’s chief concerns, he should know this would all be solved by regulation.

But then, Fairbanks grows serious. He reaches his final argument. (Warning: not for the faint of heart.)

“(At some illegal grows, I saw) rabbits that had cultivated a taste for the marijuana,” Fairbanks warned. “One of them refused to leave us, and we took all the marijuana around him, but his natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

A crazy, stoned rabbit stared you down and refused to move — BAR THE DOOR, THE RABBITS HAVE GONE WILD!!!

In spite of Fairbanks’s warning, the panel decided to live life on the edge and approve the proposed bill that would aid extremely sick patients — and possibly unleash a plague of immobile rabbits on the good state of Utah. The bill goes to full senate to be debated this week.

Please god, let a crazy conservative Utah senator take up Fairbanks’s mantle and keep the public abreast of the ‘stoned rabbits’ element of medical marijuana. Please.