Ohio Man Found in Fetal Position Covered in Doritos Tells Cops He's "Too High"

Ohio Man Found in Fetal Position Surrounded by Doritos Tells Cops He's "Too High"

This is a love story about a man and his munchies.

A 22-year-old in Austintown, Ohio, dialed police Friday afternoon, telling the local dispatcher that he was simply “too high.” When police arrived at his house around 5:20 pm, they found the man lying on the floor in the fetal position, groaning, “surrounded by a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, and Chips Ahoy cookies.”

Personally, I am yet to have a high gone so wrong that I thought I was dying — but if I did, I can think of worse ways to go than surrounded by what I love.

The man told police that he couldn’t feel his hands. Maybe what prompted the call was his hands’ inability to transfer the snacks he lay surrounded by to his mouth, as even in his stoned stupor, he knew enough to neglect medical treatment and just ride it out, bro.

Austintown Police discovered a small glass pipe with weed residue at the home, along with some rolling papers, two roaches, and a jar of marijuana. As of Monday, the man was yet to be charged with a crime. 

Maybe it's because Ohio is on the verge of potentially legalizing marijuana, or maybe it's because of other silly viral stories of people getting "too high" á la Maureen Dowd. Either way, let's all agree that being nationally shamed is enough. 

At least he has food to console him.